Job Applications

I am, unfortunately, reaching that stage of life where I have to join the working world. It appears that being a lady of leisure has been stretched to its maximum capacity, having been in continuous study mode for the past 22 years (if you include the hard graft of Nursery). I have been advised an LLM/MBA may well be pointless in achieving my dream job of professional housewife and yummy mummy (minus any cleaning or other un-fun stuff) and may be equally unhelpful for all back-up options.

I am now at a complete loss of how else to delay attempting to answer an endless list of questions. They encompass all manner of completely unrelated topics, need dissertation length answers and only offer a measly 100 words to explain why you are the best thing since sliced bread. Some of these questions are just mind-boggling. A hippopotamus wearing a tutu, balancing on a motorcycle, on a high wire, above a lake of crocodiles and piranhas trying to land on X with a 3mm diameter would appear more relevant and less ridiculous than some of these apparently appropriate questions.

Applications to all professional jobs of interest (back-ups) have commenced, thus the rant. Should I escape the first round of ludicrous questions, my skills will then be put on trial by a multitude of aptitude tests; some appear to check that I can spell my own name; others would only be expected if applying to NASA as chief-astronaut of all outer-space. These tests then increase in trickiness, covering all basic skills, including maths; spelling; case-study exercises; judgment appraisals; essay-writing techniques and research ability (god only knows what would come after the NASA-esque test, probably a basic verbal reasoning?)

If, due to some divine intervention, I make it through the minefield of online tests, these skills will be re-checked in person to make sure I am not a lying little cheat. Should I prove my weight in gold, and not be overcome by nerves, I may get an interview with the HR department (who have no clue about the job I have applied for, so will ask me similarly irrelevant questions to those tackled in the initial application). If I miraculously manage to wow the HR team with my charming wit and vast knowledge of all manner of topics, their one and only connection being how completely irrelevant they are to the job applied for, I may eventually be interviewed by someone who actually knows what I will be doing. At which point, I will be so filled with joyful elation at having got so far, I will act like a buffoon and so the process will inevitably start all over again.

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